Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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