His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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