I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
