I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
