the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
