He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
