my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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