Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
