I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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