Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
third nipple confirmed
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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