i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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