girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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