I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
