My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
