we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
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