Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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