omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize