apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
