true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
