She's JV to your varsity
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
