Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
