lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
