New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
