Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
