Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize