Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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