im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
