Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
im on a boat
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