watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
