My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
