I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
