dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
