lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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