Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
