Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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