That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
