and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
