Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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