walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
