I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
