I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
it hurts more in the daytime
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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