So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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