he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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