I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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