My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
