Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
