Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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