my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
