All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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