Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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