Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
