hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
