I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
