were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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