You're a womanizer and a bitch.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
