May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
