so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize