I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
