I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
